Ok this post is a bearing of my heart so to speak. I put this out there hoping that actually saying it, will help me accomplish it.
I don't value me.
I don't. Blame it on my childhood or that I have 7 kids and they "suck the life out of me" Whatever it is from or is, the deal is I allow it....because I don't like me.
I don't think I am worth it.
When I look at me, I see a fat ugly girl that has struggled all her life with weight, wanting to do and be more, but not measuring up. Not feeling loved. Never quite "there." Always a few steps behind where I need to... want to be.
Well that is changing!!!!
I deserve a few things and I am here to say
I am taking them!
Here they are:
1. I deserve a hair cut. I know sounds weird, but I haven't gotten my hair cut in months. Excuses like oh no time, no $$ this week blah blah blah. Well I am walking in to a Supercuts if I have to, today! I am worth it.
2. I deserve peace. Now you imagine that with my crew, I may not get that...and you are right. I have trained my kids that I will always be there for them. Well I will, but there are times when I need to rejuvenate myself to be able to help them. Peace for me includes, but is not limited to: sleep- uninterrupted sleep, time to commune with my God through scripture study and prayer, and a better organized house. I will discuss with God who HE sees in me and who HE wants me to become.
I deserve it, because I am worth it.
3. I am going to get the national certification I want and should have. I have been interpreting almost consecutively since I was 15 and in a few weeks.... I will be 40(oh gosh 40- that is tough- 40 is the new 20 right? Another story).
I want certifcation and I am skilled enough. It is not about the increase money- although it would be nice.... the money will allow me to work less hours to be with my family. It is something I WANT.I have been given a talent, refined a skill and I want the piece of paper. I can do it. I can. I will make and take the time to do the studying/brushing up on the knowledg/ skills that is required. Others will have to jump in to "put out the fires."
I want it and I am worth it.
4. I want to run again. I do. I want to do 5k, 10k again..... and yes a marathon. I miss it and there is a part of my life that is missing because I don't run hard and long. My mind is clearer when I run. I hate every minute of dong it the first mile or two(my wall), but there is nothing like being in that rhythm and running. My knee is not good, so I will get a trainer(yes I will spend the money on ME)and I will set goals and I will do it. Even if I have to run these races on a treadmill or a elliptical.
I am worth it.
5. I will over come and control my body. I will learn love my body. I currently like it, My mother died before she was 60yrs. I do not want that. I want to...no I WILL live a full and long life. I won't follow the footsteps of bad choices, so that death comes early and/or health problems slow me down for 15yr or so. I work out and try to eat well... enough. BUT only when other things don't get in the way. Hahaha There will always be things in the way. I commit and one of the 9 other people that live here can put fires out while I push myself to higher levels.
I want it and I am worth it.
So Why am I crying while I type this? Am I afraid? Am I really worth it? If I am not I will make myself.
So here I go. I want to like myself. I want to beleive
I am worth it...
I am off to get my haircut,
because I am worth it.
**** Disclaimer****
Some reading this post think that they are ruining my life because they are my child and I am sucked dry.
Well I love my children, they are wonderful people and I stand amazed watching who they actually are. Having 7 children is one of my greatest blessings. Just ask anyone, I tell everyone I meet to let them know how much I HAVE BEEN BLESSED.
Having seven children is not the only part of me, Heather.
I will not apologize for feeling overwhelmed, busy and wanting to find me again.
I will say, MY LIFE,MY life is better because of each of my children. I have thought about "what if" I had stopped at two or so. Scott and I were actually mature enough to DECIDE to have 7.
When I think of if we had stopped, my heart gasps and then aches because I would miss the joy, lessons and gift of
Hannah
Seth
Emma
Andrew
ohhhh sweetie Ben
about the hair
I have the same style, but trimmed
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Me and What I deserve
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11 comments:
You are worth it! And I am sitting here with tears in my eyes because you are finally seeing it for yourself!
You are one incredible woman, wife, mother, interpreter. Yes, I said woman first, you must take care of you to be the best you can be at your other goals.
Now go forth and do some things for you!
You know, sometimes we don't take the bull by the horns because we are afraid of getting gored. Well, sometimes you just gotta say, "To heck with that! I'm running with the bulls today!"
WOW! WOW! WOW! WOW! Heather there is so much about yourself that you don't see or appreciate, but I understand where this is coming from. In fact I will say, I CAN RELATE... REALLY WELL!!!!!
You are truly worth putting time and effort into yourself, your dreams and your goals.
I'm not in close physical proximity, but I am close at heart and I will do whatever I can to help you.
Go get 'em girl!!! And I want pictures of the new haircut!!!
Lots of love and support,
Roo :-)
I want to see the new haircut.
You go girl!
I want to see the new haircut.
You go girl!
Heather, you are so GREAT in so many ways- yet I completely understand where you are with the self-doubt. We can be our own worst enemies. There will never be a 'good time' for us moms to take time out for ourselves until we really see the improvement in us after the fact.
I say go get it- and you are worth it. Oh, and I happen to know a trainer....
Roo sent me over and I'm so glad she did. YOU ARE WORTH IT. Fat or thin, tall or short, beautiful or not so much: YOU ARE WORTH IT.
Being a mom is the greatest gift, but sometimes we lose ourselves in that role. I know. It's taken me a long time to find the girl under all this stress, weight, and mom title.
I've lost 23 pounds since April 21st. I know it's not a land slide, but it's big to me. I run. I never thought I could. I have muscles in my arms - yes it's true. I've never had those either.
My point here is that if I CAN DO IT at 40 (now 41) YOU CAN DO IT TOO.
YOU GO GIRL!!!!!
You are worth it. You are a great friend and you should be proud of all you accomplish. You are awesome! I can relate to how you are feeling. Probably too well. So go for it!
fyi- DH said he'd be willing to help you train for whatever goal you set- and he'd be your pacer in a race.....
Heather, I echo so many of your thoughts! But hearing you say it I realize those thoughts come from a source that wants to tear you down because YOU are doing amazing things for your family. A friend of mine (in my ward) is a motivational speaker and she has some CD's that are incredibly powerful at helping us to love ourselves. You might want to check her out at HeatherMadder.com. I love her CD's and I haven't read her book yet. Just another way to maybe fill your soul so you have more to give. HUGS!
I hear you. I often feel that those things have to wait because I'm a Mom now and I want to be that and that some day there will be more time, money etc...
The fact is we will always be Mom. My Mom is 63 and serving more than ever.
Take the time now. You are a great example. I hope to follow.
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